Surviving the Holidays for Families and Individuals Affected by Mental Illness

Chantel Bode
Dec 7, 2022
7 min read

The holiday season is a busy time for most. There is so much to do, attend and plan, which can bring up feelings of being overwhelmed, anxious, stressed, and depressed. Maintaining mental health over the holidays can be a real challenge for individuals affected by their loved one’s mental illness or experiencing mental illness themselves. There are many things happening around the holidays that can act as triggers. Thankfully, there are many strategies we can use to make the holidays go smoother for everyone – ourselves and our family member.

Avoid feeling guilty and identify what you really want to do

Be realistic about what you can and cannot do. During the holiday season, many of us want to be many things to our family members and we don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. So, we put pressure on ourselves along with a hefty side of stress-inducing guilt.

Remind yourself that pleasing everyone is unrealistic. Set aside the guilt, push the pause button on it or throw it out completely if you can, and identify what you would like for the holidays.

For instance, you might want to spend the entire day with your family or just go for dessert. Once being with your family is a choice instead of an obligation maybe you can relax a bit.

Keep connected

If you aren’t feeling well, you might be tempted to isolate yourself. But this will just make you feel worse. If you’re not in the holiday mood, consider spending time with a friend (try by zoom) or calling a person who cares about you. Connecting with just one person can make all the difference.

Set Boundaries with your family members and communicate them

(Woot woot, boundary talk again!)

Healthy boundaries create a framework that lets people know how to treat you. They help create respectful, mutual relationships because expectations are clear. The biggest boundary problems occur when you put someone else’s needs before your own and allow yourself to be mistreated or devalued. The holidays add some extra challenges when it comes to healthy boundaries. As you know, the holiday season means more commitments and expectations. You may find yourself over-stressed and off your normal routine of exercising, sleeping, healthy eating and other positive coping activities.

Don’t let the holidays become an excuse for poor boundaries.

Here are some guidelines to ensure healthy boundaries over the holidays:

1. Communicate what you want or need.

2. Say “no” without guilt.

3. Say “yes” because you want to, not out of obligation or to please others.

4. Let go of trying to control what other people eat, drink, wear, say, or do.

5. Be empowered to skip, go late, leave early, or drive your own car to holiday parties.

6. Express your feelings in an assertive and respectful way. Avoid passive-aggressive behavior.

7. Take care of your physical, emotional, and spiritual needs.

8. Spend time with supportive people.

9. Take responsibility for your own happiness and don’t be a martyr.

10. Don’t make excuses for yourself or anyone else.

11. Act according to your own values and beliefs.

Make yourself a priority

During the holidays, as we’re hosting, shopping, cooking, cleaning, attending get-togethers and checking off other tasks on our to-do lists, self-care often takes a backseat.

Try your absolute hardest to maintain your routine as much as possible. Make sure you get the sleep you need and keep up any activities that make you feel good such as exercise or time with friends.

Tune into your feelings—and be honest

At the start or end of the day, take a break and check in with yourself. We are on autopilot 24/7 from when we wake up. We are helping family, working, dealing with responsibilities, and we never really check in with ourselves.

Our days impact us, and if we don’t check in with ourselves our stresses can blend into the next day, and then the next, and suddenly we have compounded that stress.

If we just take 5 or 10 minutes a day to slow down, ask ourselves how our day has impacted us and how we are feeling, we can mediate that pile up of stress.

It is okay to feel stressed, worried or angry, and if we allow ourselves the opportunity to explore why we are feeling these emotions with curiosity, and non-judgement, we can understand ourselves better.

Buddy up

Have someone close by or on speed dial: a friend, cousin, sister or anyone who ‘gets it.

Laugh—a lot.

See the humour wherever and whenever you can!

Budget

There are many expenses during the holidays. Whether you are buying presents, food, or travelling you may get in the habit of overextending yourself. Plan your budget in advance for the holiday season. Only spend cash or debit. Host a secret Santa to limit the amount of gifts you and your family members have to buy!

Loss

The holidays can be a reminder of the loss of a loved one. Acknowledge that this holiday season won’t be the same. This is an opportunity to create new traditions as a way to keep your loved one’s memory alive.

Did your loved one care about a certain cause?
What were their interests?

Incorporate these things into your new holiday traditions, and spend time with supportive and caring people who understand what you are experiencing.

Year-End Reflection

As the year comes to a close, many of us reflect on what has changed, or stayed the same. Take stock of things that are going well, or that you have done well.

When we always look at what we don’t have we forget to be grateful for what we do have.

Give yourself credit. Look to the future with optimism. Don’t set new year’s resolutions as they put unnecessary pressure on you. If you want to make a resolution to change something, start today.

How to Support a Family Member Affected by Mental Illness

Supporting a family member living with mental illness during the holidays can be difficult. You may not understand why your family member feels or acts a certain way. Some people who experience this, feel they have to do things a certain way or avoid things or situations, and this can create frustration or conflict with others. There are strategies that we can do to ease the pressure while allowing our family members to participate in the holidays.

Ask your loved one how you can help them.

They know what they need best. and be patient – learning and practicing new coping strategies takes time.

Plan your schedule in advance

Allow your family member the prep time to prepare for what will happen before an event, party or outing. Share with them who will be at each event, where you are going and try to answer all their questions. Discuss what situations may arise and come up with a plan that will work for all of you. You can discuss and negotiate what the plan will be with your family member.

Have realistic expectations

Things don’t need to go perfectly, adjust where needed. For example, does it make more sense for your family member to spend one hour at the party rather than five hours? If they do not feel comfortable attending, maybe you can bring them some food and spend some one-on-one time later.

Communicate openly about feelings with your family member

Discuss with them how they are feeling, or what’s making them anxious. Be available throughout any outings or events so they know they can come to you for support if they need it. A little one-on-one time throughout the holidays will help you get a better sense of how your family member is feeling.

Find a quiet place and plan ahead

Find a spot during a holiday activity or party where your family member (or you) can go for a break.

Encourage your family member (or even encourage your self), to give themselves permission to leave a stressful situation.

Don’t try to force your family member to interact with other people if they don’t want to. Let them have that time on their own to regroup. Their “strategic retreat” may be anything from walking the dog to getting tea at a café to listening to soothing music to having a good cry. If your family member needs to decompress with a game on their phone, that’s ok. Make sure to check in periodically with how they are doing; they may want to decide whether the healthier choice is to return to the get-together or go home.

Don’t worry about other people’s judgements

People may ask insensitive questions or make comments about your family member’s behaviour. Sometimes they are trying to be rude, other times, they’re just trying to understand. Have a quick sentence or two ready that explains your family member’s behaviors. This will help you stay calm and to keep from overreacting.

Encourage your family members to set boundaries for themselves

Just as it is important to set your own boundaries, let your family member know that it is okay for them to have their own boundaries. They are entitled to enjoy the same boundaries as you. If an ill family member communicates to you their boundaries, thank them for their honesty and do your best to accommodate!

Remember:

Setting specific times for family traditions like baking special food, decorating the house, wrapping gifts or attending community celebrations, gives the everyone something to look forward to. Set realistic goals and be flexible. The holidays are about caring and respecting one another.

We would all do better to let go of the image of the “perfect” holiday and focus on accepting ourselves and our loved ones without judging, criticizing or advising.

Despite our good intentions, remember that the holidays rarely turn out as planned. Focus on making them a special time for you and your family, no matter what the circumstances. Take stock of things that are going well, or that you have done well. Celebrate this season of hope and expectation. Give yourself credit and look to the future with optimism!

Don't forget, it is important to take care of yourself. If you need some extra help, try affirmations such as: “I want/need … and that doesn’t make me selfish.” You are entitled to setting boundaries, having your own feelings, and not having to explain why you are saying no.

PS: You deserve to enjoy this holiday season, whatever that looks like to you!

Until next time,

Chantel Bode